This is an emotional one but READ IT!
Growing up I was always bullied and fat-shamed because I was obese. The sad part is I was made to feel low about myself for a long time BY MY CLASSMATES/ SCHOOLMATES, SCHOOL TEACHERS, CERTAIN EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS and those as PART OF MY FAMILY’s SOCIAL CIRCLE.
Kudos to only my parents and only a few friends for making me the lady I am today. If it was not for my parents and a few friends, I would not have survived and like many other girls might have chosen the path of self-harm, so I thank them whole-heartedly for protecting me.
No one valued me for my cognitive abilities or the person I am, instead, people looked at me as a fat girl. I feel people never formed close alliances with me or treated me with respect because of my looks, maybe they felt insulted being closely associated with someone who is plus-sized. To be very honest, you know what they still do and I am long past it, as it does not even matter. However, it crushes my heart to think that many girls grow up in a toxic environment by being body-shamed for all their lives. I mean it’s important to have a life and to be a human than looking fab; Honestly, it is very important to feel fab. I think families need to get educated that body-shaming IS NOT OK and telling someone to lose/gain weight IS NOT OK. I think it’s down to the person to make that choice for themselves.
When people make such comments it makes us lose our self-esteem and that is next level harm. I know not many people have the same privileges as I do and wrote this purely to highlight how important it is to safeguard our loved ones from such comments because I lived it and I know how this feels like.
I remember in Feb 2020, I travelled to India and experienced two incidents even after losing over 50 kilos.
1. A shopkeeper at a boutique in Chennai told me that I needed a 3XL kurta (top) just because I have flabby arms- I was hurt and offended by hey I know what my body needs, who the flip is she to tell me what size I should be wearing or not.
2. A nurse working at Apollo hospitals (one of the largest private hospitals in India) fat-shamed me by saying “Madam you’re only 24 and you’re 73 kilos; you need to do a lot of exercises.”- I was hurt because I know how hard I worked to lose this weight and to hear these at my lightest, it was painful. However, I was also disappointed that she as a healthcare professional should know that body-shaming is a causative factor to low self-esteem and the starting point to eating disorders. The psychologist in me gave her a good dressing down and said “Well, another patient in my place would have either starved herself to sleep or would have got you fired, I am doing none.” I took the matter up to a doctor and admin staff at the hospital, suggesting that basic mental health education is to be provided to all staff and passing such remarks about someone’s looks is not appropriate. They only response they had to offer was “We can fire the nurse,” I was appalled and it was not what I asked for.
My point is basic education on Mental health is IMPORTANT across all setups in South Asia, be it schools or workplace. I say this because IT IS NOT ALRIGHT to heckle someone with these comments and be empathetic of how one feels.
I appreciate that sex-Ed is getting a bit normalised in Urban India but what about mental health-Ed? I think we can break this pattern by owning up for ourselves and standing up for the people around us. Let us try and normalise mental health.
As someone specialising in mental health stigma south Asian cultures and trauma, I feel every step counts to a brighter tomorrow. I hope my work and fight to normalise mental health helps even one person. So, next time you see someone, ask them how are they feeling instead of passing unsolicited comments about how they should look or how they should be living their life.
The only reason I advocate mental health (via my research and the coping club) as I have had first-hand experience of bullying, experienced stigmatised views about mental health, have had depression and have worked with destitute women with mental health illnesses. Having experienced all this and seen it all, I took up a career in Psychology just to break the toxic patriarchy that exists in my culture group. I do not want to be hailed as the next Desi Joan D'Arc, what I truly want is to make this a safer place for our future generation and to make that possible, I have to be the change to see the change. At the end of the day, I genuinely do not want to lay there on my death bed thinking about the full life I would have led but instead, I want to think that I might have helped one person understand that seeking help is ok. I can only do or feel this if you join me and be my army to normalise mental health.
FYI- I lost weight to ovulate regularly (because I suffer from PCOS) and not to look pretty. I did this so that I can have a family of my own, someday.
About the author
Damini Lalchand, MBPsS, M.Ps.S.I
A Ph.D. student based in the School of Life and Medical Sciences at the University of Hertfordshire (UK) and has previous research experience of mental health stigma associated with schizophrenia in South Asian communities. She has briefly worked with destitute women in South India, who have been abused and suffers from mental health illnesses. Her experiences of working with victims of abuses and passion for advocating mental health in the South Asian diaspora inspired her current work; looking at the association of resilience between childhood adversities and schizotypal traits in healthy adults of Indian backgrounds living in England.